Trigger Warning: Miscarriage & Hospitals
Well it’s been a while hasn’t it!
I haven’t written a thing on here since February this year and as the end of the year is fast approaching I am feeling the urge to write again so here we are. It has been an unusual year with many ups and downs but I feel like it’s time to write about the thing that has pretty much defined my year.
(I have titled this ‘My miscarriage Journey’ because Michael has been a rock through this; and I am very aware that he has had a journey himself and would not want to speak for him.The fathers go through this too.)
On the 21st of September 2021 first thing in the morning before work I eagerly sat waiting for that test to flash up with Pregnant and when it did I couldn’t believe my eyes. Finally we it’s our turn, finally we will get the baby we have been waiting for.
Our first midwife appointment was cancelled twice so it felt like the longest time waiting for some official confirmation. Fast forward to the 31st of October and after a few worries Michael and I decided a take a trip to A&E to be on the safe side. We sat in that waiting room for 3 hours being reassured “I am sure everything will be fine” and “it’s completely normal don’t worry” We reassured ourselves and kept repeating those same statements. It wasn’t until I was sent for a scan that we had an inkling something was right. Laid on the bed with Michael holding my hand giving each other hopeful glances and waiting for those words we longed to hear. . . but no . . . “I’m so sorry”
How? Why? This can’t be right. At that point my heart broke, this was our time.
We were then sent to wait back in on the ward and explained what the next steps would be. When you hear someone has suffered a miscarriage you don’t realise how long of a process it is. We were given our scan photo and told that because of the size we would have to wait Ten days for a confirmation rescan. Those ten days were the worst days of my life. Because I had a missed miscarriage my body didn’t know I was loosing the baby. After the ten days and a rescan (which was just as bad if not worse that the first) nothing was happening so it was then time for us to decide what came next.
After looking in detail and researching I decided that the best thing for me was to have the SMM (surgical management of miscarriage) on the 11th of November I arrived at hospital hoping to have a routine procedure and be back home just after lunch (which is what they told me) This unfortunately did not happen and after an traumatic day I left at 6pm. I have questioned whether or not to go into detail about this but I have decided it best for myself that I don’t.
I went back to work on Monday the 22nd of November 3 weeks after my initial trip to A&E and I was happy to get back into a routine as staying at home by myself was not good for my mental health. Don’t get me wrong I have had lots of difficult days but having my work friends their to support me certainly got me through.
And then yesterday on Wednesday the 22nd of December a month later I got my memorial tattoo for our little baby that didn’t reach its full potential. It was really emotional but in a good way. Don’t get me wrong I’m still hurting and everyday is different but now I have my little reminder with me always I feel like I can start to take the small steps forward.
I think that’s why I decided to write about today and felt that urge to use my blog again. I hope if anyone has been through something similar this helps them know they are not alone and if anyone does need support Tommy’s has been a real lifeline for me.
If anyone ever needs to talk, you know where I am!