It’s safe to say it’s been a long time since I’ve felt like writing anything. But if you follow me on any other social media, you will know that this year has been a particularly eventful one for me. So, with an eventful and emotional pregnancy that I am still going through I wanted to write down my journey. Not just for my own mental health but someone might read it and not feel so alone.
I will start this off with a trigger warning as the next few posts will talk about Miscarriage, Pregnancy Loss, Loss in Utero and Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. Please keep your own mental health safe.
Most who have been through trying to conceive will know this part of the journey well. The bathroom drawer filled with ovulation sticks, the daily tracking of temperature, the planning, waiting and hoping that this month will be your month. Hoping that everything you are feeling in the run up to your period is actually a pregnancy symptom and not a symptom of your period rearing its ugly unwanted head. This is especially difficult if you have been through a miscarriage. You’ve done all this before, and you got your two lines but didn’t get a baby at the end of it. I know myself during this time I felt a lot of resentment to my body, why wasn’t it doing the thing I wanted most in the world.
Saturday 25th of June 2022
I’ve swapped from the ovulation sticks to the pregnancy sticks. I know it’s probably way too soon to start testing and Michael agrees but I can’t help it. I just need to see those two lines. Its early morning and we are going to the Hella Mega Tour today so you would think I would have other things on my mind but no. First thing when waking up time to pee. I wait patiently, scared to look. Is that… it can’t be… I instantly take a photo of it and send it to one of my besties. She replies. . . she can see it too!
Now I am not joking when I say this was the faintest second line but, in my heart, I knew it was a positive. I showed Michael he didn’t want to get his hopes up too soon so we said we’d hold our breath and see if it would get darker as the days went on.
Tuesday 27th of June 2022
It’s getting darker I’m sure of it. My best friends at work walk in on me looking at them this morning. They think the same. Is this actually happening? Sarah is too excited to wait so she takes my bank card and runs out at lunch to get me a Clear Blue test. We were so excited running up to the lady’s loo to see. Is this legit?
“It’s positive, 1-2 weeks it says it right there. Sarah its positive!” I cry, she cries. These girls have been through all this with me, by my side through my miscarriage, through me watching other people get pregnant they have not left my side. I owe so much to them.
I went to shops on the way home and got Michael a celebratory beer and popped the test on top for him to find. I can’t wait for him to get home and see it!
We told our parents really early; we knew this was already going to be a tricky journey emotionally, so we didn’t want to do it alone like last time. I refused to not tell people because it’s deemed not appropriate to let people know before 12 weeks. It still counts and it’s still a baby regardless. My Mum and Dad are in shock but excited for us!
Time to hit Paris!
It’s safe to say I’m not sure we would have booked a holiday to Paris if we had known that I would be pregnant. We booked this holiday with the money we had saved when we were pregnant the first time. We wanted to spend it on making memories which we certainly did. As much as I would have loved drinking the champagne that I had pre booked at The Moulin Rouge and would have loved to have gone on all the rides at Disney Land; knowing that we were finally pregnant meant everything and made our trip to Paris so much more Romantic that we could have hoped for!
We were getting close to the twelve-week mark and my nerves and anxiety were starting to creep in. I had an awful feeling that something was going to go wrong. From having a previous missed miscarriage, I knew that it’s not always physical or visible if something is going wrong and that was playing havoc with my mental health. I said to Michael that I couldn’t wait any longer and I was going to book us in for an early private scan.
It was then we of course we found out not only was it all okay, but it was twins. . .
Do twins run in the family . . . no
Were we in shock? . . . er yeah wouldn’t you be?
Lizzie Florence xo